The Look

Gregg gave me ‘the look’ tonight.  Ya know, ‘the look’!  The one that reads, ‘is it safe to leave the kids unsupervised in your care’ look.  Let’s rewind to 7:30am.

7:30am – I’m getting ready, and I notice Sage lying down “sleeping” in the hallway.  I leave her.  I’m trying to get ready.

8:00am – I’m done getting ready, and I invite Sage to go downstairs with me.  She lets me know that she can’t walk.  Huh?  Get up.  Walk.  She slides down the stairs on her bum and army crawls to the couch.

8:15am – I’m finished whipping up the pancake mix for Gregg to cook.  Gregg stumbles down the stairs after a restful and full night of 5 hours of sleep.

8:16am – I tell Sage to come upstairs so we can get her ready.  She reminds me that her legs don’t work, that she can’t walk.  “Come on, Sage!”  She throws herself to the ground as if she were Tiny Tim and some bully just kicked the crutch out from under her.  “Come on, Sage, get up.”  She stands up and starts walking towards the stairs.

8:17am – As she approaches the stairs, I exclaim in my insensitive manner, “SAGE!  YOU CAN WALK AGAIN!!  This is a MIRACLE!” She immediately collapses to the stairs.  I switch to authoritative, no-nonsense, annoyed Mom.  “Sage, GET UP!”  She starts crying and army crawls up the stairs.

8:25am – Sage is getting dressed while I get Phoenix ready.

8:40am – We accidentally left Phoenix’s tie and ’sports’ jacket downstairs from church the day before.  He is obsessed with ties right now.  He insists on wearing his tie with his robot shirt.  Fine.  Then he wants his sports jacket on with the top button buttoned.  It makes sense.  It would be weird not to eat pancakes w/ syrup without a tie and buttoned sports jacket over your robot shirt.  I don’t fight him on it because Sage already killed my fight.

9:20am – Time to get the kids’ coats on to get into the car to go to food shopping with grandma.  Phoenix takes off running upstairs to his crib to grab everything, like the house is on fire or something, and he must save these things before they are destroyed.

9:22am – After wrestling Phoenix to get back down the stairs with his blanket and man toy only, I hold the blanket for him because I don’t want him to drag it through the dirt on the way to the car.  He doesn’t realize this and thinks I left it in the house.  I try to show him, but he thinks I’m lying or something.  I get Sage to the car into her car seat, while Phoenix makes a break for the house.  I have to corner him behind one of the chairs on the front porch.  He’s screaming.  Of course some neighbors are walking by, smiling, and waving.  I restrain him so I can get him to the car to show him that I have the friggin blanket.  He calms down.

9:45am – We roll up to Wegman’s, the most beautiful place on earth.  I get Phoenix out of the car seat and stash the man toy back into the car so I don’t get stuck having to pick it up over and over again while we’re in the store.  He starts crying as we walk into the store because he doesn’t have his ‘dah doy’, which means ‘man toy’.  Bloody hell, my ears are starting to bleed at this point, but we’re in public and image management is critical so I keep my cool.

10:45am – We drop grandma off.  Everything seems cool.  We survived food shopping without any in-public incidences.

10:48am – We pull into the drive way.  “Mom, I feel like I’m going to throw up.”

“WHAT???  Are you serious?”

“Yes…”

CRAP!  I don’t do vomit.  I put the car in park, and hop out to yank her out of the car before she does any damage because a car that smells like vomit?  B-A-R-F!  We’re standing on the driveway now.

“Sage, do you need to throw up?  If you do, just do it now.”

I bring her with me to the front door.

“GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEGGGGGGGGGGGGGG! GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEGGGGGGGGGG!  Get up here!!”

BWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  Yup.  She puked all over the front porch about 10 seconds before Gregg rolls up from the studio.

He takes her from there and helps clean her up in the bathroom.  I go back to get Phoenix out of the car.  I bring in the groceries between rounds of Phoenix slamming the front door in my face.  Then he rips down the child gate and goes into the bathroom where Sage is and starts messing with her which causes her to cry more.  I have to kick him out while I’m trying to put groceries away.  Is it nap time yet??

12:15pm – I get lunch ready for them.  Sage eats a little toast and apple sauce.  Phoenix throws his food, refuses to sit down in his booster chair, and I give up.

1:00pm – We throw them both down for nap time.  We force Sage to nap because between her paralysis and her vomiting, I refuse to deal with what is next with her without her getting some more sleep.

4:00pm – We wake Sage up, and she and I watch She-Ra.

4:30pm – We wake Phoenix up.  We should have left him. He is throwing tantrums and won’t let go of me.

5:15pm – I’m trying to get dinner ready, and he decides to dive at the dishwasher door which opens which causes him to fall.  My ears start bleeding.  Gregg comes in and puts a gate up to keep him out of the kitchen so I can get everything ready in peace.  But really, where is the peace when a kid is screaming and crying his heart out because he can’t get to you.  I release him from prison.

5:50pm – We’re eating dinner.  Phoenix defiantly throws his fork on the ground.  Then starts crying that he wants his fork.  We leave the fork on the ground.

6:20pm – I’m a beaten woman.  The kids have driven me crazy today.  I have that crazed look in my eye that if something else happens, I’m going to lose it.

6:20pm – Gregg gives me ‘the look’.  He decides to stick around “for the safety of our children”.  ‘The look’ is on ‘my list’.  I say, “you’re giving me ‘the look’.”

“What look?”

“The ‘I fear for our children because my wife is nuts’ look.”

I grab the camera and with flames coming from my eyes I say, “DO THE LOOK, GREGG.”

He can’t stop laughing so I can’t accurately capture ‘the look’.

“You’re killing my blog post, Gregg.”

Does anyone else’s husband give them ‘the look’ or are most of them so tuned out that they don’t even notice?  Gregg makes an executive decision to put the kids down 30 minutes early.

7:00pm – Peace.